Can I just tell you that every ounce of energy I have goes into loving my teenagers? Can I also tell you that it often feels unreciprocated? Who built this system and who do we fire?
When the Mountain America Center opened, I ended up with two tickets to see Big and Rich and a date, which pretty much means I should buy lots of lottery tickets and preemptively retire to an island because, you know. I decided this night called for my rhinestone blazer because there isn’t enough glitter and sparkle in this world to pacify me.
You read that right. A blazer. As in a suit jacket for women fully equipped with layers of clothing underneath. When I finally got all ready, I asked my 13-year-old how I looked.
Brace yourself. True story coming up.
Katie: First ever concert at the Mountain America Center tonight. How are we feeling about my outfit?
Cambri: This outfit gives off lady-of-the-night energy.
Katie: What?! Are you serious? It’s an actual jacket.
DO NOT WORRY PEEPS. SHE MAY BE A TEENAGER BUT SHE STILL HAD ENOUGH SELF AWARENESS TO UNDERSTAND THE SHOCKED SOCIAL CUES I WAS THROWING OFF.
Cambri: I mean, I guess it works for your vibe.
Katie: So I’m wearing something that feels like me yet looks like a lady of the night. So what are you trying to say?
Cambri: Stop putting words into my mouth.
Katie: I’m literally repeating what you told me, requesting clarification.
Cambri: Then I guess the shoe fits.
Katie: And you’re officially dead to me. Pack your own lunch tomorrow.
Cambri: I know where we keep the Poptarts.
And that’s my 13-year-old daughter. If I started pulling out stories about how my 16-year-old daughter thinks I dress, we would be here all day and you would be reading the words “Grandma” and “You look old” a lot.
Isn’t life funny? You pour your entire being into your children and then they grow into humans with opinions of their own. It’s almost too much. But I came up with a solution. I bought something that will spend the rest of its life loving me unconditionally. A puppy. I found the sweetest little Doodle in Minnesota and I drove 17 hours straight through to pick her up and then 17 hours home in a blizzard. Was I suffering a mass break from reality when I made the decision to adopt a living thing that would require me for all of its care? Without a doubt. It was all part of my master plan. Now nothing the teenagers do can hurt me because my puppy makes me invincible.
Don’t like what I cooked for dinner? The puppy does.
Don’t like what I’m wearing? The puppy doesn’t care.
Don’t like my tone when speaking to you? I don’t ever have to talk to the puppy that way so I don’t know what to tell you.
Need to get up all hours of the night to go potty? Oh, wait, I have to do that all on my own. That’s the unfun part.
Plus, when my kids leave, I won’t even miss them because I will have my puppy who will probably be 90 pounds of joy by then.
As it turns out, my puppy does love me unconditionally but it requires a lot of work in the form of puppy care. I also didn’t know puppies bite when they are teething and often chew up prized possessions. These are the things you learn when you do no research on actual animal ownership. And yet, it’s still easier than two teenagers. Yesterday, I was accused of loving my puppy more than my kids and my response was, “Well, if the shoe fits.”