“Hi. I’m Dory. I suffer from short-term remembery loss.”
I can’t even begin to guess how many times the opening line of Finding Dory has played in my house, but I wouldn’t be exaggerating to say that it’s in the triple digits. Am I obsessed with the little blue fish? Not in the least bit. But my daughter is.
It started when she was only 4 months old. Little McKenzie clung to me like a burr and screamed bloody murder if I ever attempted to put her down to get ready for the day. Out of desperation, I turned on our bedroom TV and started “Finding Dory” for the first time. While she hadn’t ever paid much attention to the TV, she was captivated by Dory from scene one. “Finding Dory” became part of our morning routine, and while my now 17-month-old little girl has grown out of many phases over the last year, she still loves Dory.
While I grew up with some TV in the mornings, the small, yet bulky, full-screen television with VHS player is a far cry from the 32-inch flat screen with Netflix. As a mom from the millennial generation (defined by Pew Research Center as those born between 1981 and 1996), I’m raising my daughter in a different world than the one I grew up in, and I’m not alone.
New technologies, social pressures and research have changed how millennial moms raise their children compared to the moms of 20 or 30 years ago, but other aspects of motherhood remain very much the same, such as the unconditional love, the never-ending worry and the constant effort that goes into mothering.
From Smart Phones to Social Media
Millennials were growing up as technology went through a growth spurt of its own. The World Wide Web, computers, cell phones, streaming services, smart home devices—technology catapulted us into the 21st century with a bang.
Phones, which were once limited to a specific place and use, are now the portable heart of our everyday lives, and even toddlers don’t miss the significance of these small devices.
“It’s amazing how the children respond to these omnipresent devices. They gravitate toward them; their little fingers know how to work them; they beg for them. They’re used as leverage; they’re used as distractions; they’re used as a replacement for good parenting and that worries me,” said Jessica Kelley, a mother in Idaho Falls.
At 36 years old, Kelley grew up when the technological advances were in the earlier stages, but she is now raising her only child, 17-month-old Aspen, in the thick of it. While she appreciates the good that the new technology can be used for, there are drawbacks as well.
“When I was a kid, my parents were on the floor, engaged with me. My relatives would have conversations with me. When we got together, everybody was together and interacting. Screen time was limited to a TV and as I got older, a few games on the computer,” Kelley said. “Now, you see these moms and you see these dads that are interacting with their kids but they’re also on their phones and not making eye contact... I don’t think kids get the undivided attention they once did, mostly because of technology, because of cell phones.”
Cira Long, a 22-year-old Idaho Falls mother with a 2-year-old and another on the way, grew up when cell phones—specifically flip phones—were already a regular part of life. She said the technological advances allow the world to open up to her children, something she thinks is amazing.
“It’s… good for them to adapt to the new technology and use it wisely,” Long said. “It’s going to be even more crazy when our kids are having babies—there will be even more technology, so it makes sense to have our kids adapt to technology now and know how to use it safely now… it is super important.”
With the new advances, however, come new pressures. Both Kelley and Long agree that social media allows moms to connect in new ways, but the selective sharing that’s so prevalent on social media can make it difficult to not compare children and parenting skills with friends.
“You see on Facebook or Instagram and moms post about, ‘My child’s doing this’ or ‘My child’s doing that’—I think that causes a lot more pressure where back then, moms didn’t hop onto Facebook and see whose child is walking early or had 10 teeth at a year old or whatever the case was,” Long said. “You go on Pinterest and there’s a million of these adorable moms, and you’re not like that. It’s not reality.”
In addition to the social aspect of the internet, the information and resources available through the World Wide Web are another game changer. Many moms up with sick children automatically turn to WebMD for advice and insight, and millions follow parental guidance resources such as Motherly and BabyCenter. While she’s grateful for the internet as a resource, Kelley said that the shear amount of information accessible can be overwhelming and cloud intuition.
“I think that there’s almost an overload of information on parenting, on children’s health. Just having the internet there I think can be a distraction to the intuition of being a mother or father,” Kelley said. “I think it’s important to clear the air and listen to that inner voice.”
A New Way to Nurture
In the wake of this information age comes all sorts of warnings and rules that previous generations were often unaware of. Covering sleep, food and pregnancy, new guidelines permeate child-rearing today, though it can be difficult—and sometimes overwhelming—to try to keep track of all the do’s and don’ts.
“I see all these stereotypes that I should be—I should be health-conscious, I should be feeding my child this or that, they should be eating all their greens... I think that causes a lot of pressure for moms because they feel like they should be on it 24/7,” Long said.
Kelley said that while she still thinks mothers everywhere are continuously doing the best they can with whatever their situation might be, she appreciates the increased accessibility of healthy options.
“I like seeing the shift to a thoughtful approach toward nutrition, especially in those first 5 years when the body and brain are growing so rapidly,” she said. “The highest quality of nutrition we offer the kids, the better.”
Aja McCracken, a single mom in Idaho Falls with three children ranging from 8 to 15, has seen the shift in expectations and warnings first hand.
“There’s a lot of things you’re supposed to do now that I never heard about when I was pregnant. It’s completely different. There are so many things you [can] do to harm your baby, but I was never warned about those when I had kids,” McCracken said. “I ate pretty much anything I wanted and there weren’t all these warnings when I was pregnant. It’s kind of weird how things change.”
The Evolution of Home Situations
There’s no question that the traditional home life—both expectations and reality—has changed for families in recent years. Women make up nearly half of the workforce today, with more moms acting as the primary breadwinner than before, according to Pew Research Center.
Many homes rely on incomes from both parents, though it can be difficult for moms to miss out on the time at home with the children that their own mothers had. Long, Kelley and McCracken all remember their mothers working limited or no hours in their early years of growing up, but Long and McCracken both have full-time jobs.
After she had her first child, Long said she spent the first year of her daughter’s life as a stay-at-home mom, until she was offered a job as the Director of Operations at the Little Gym of Idaho Falls. While her daughter transitioned well to daycare, Long had a harder time with the change.
“I think it was more of an adjustment for me to go from seeing her 24/7 to missing like, ‘Oh, she walked today’ or whatever since it was during that period,” she said. “That was hard for me just missing those milestones because I was gone 8 hours+ a day.”
But even though the number of working mothers has increased, many millennial mothers choose to stay at home with their children.
“I didn’t think I would be a stay-at-home mom. I actually tried to go back to work for a day or two and I just couldn’t be away from her, there was just no way I could do it,” Kelley said. “I was in a very lucky position with my husband’s job that I could stay home with her and it’s just been the best experience of my life.”
Another change is the number of single mothers: Pew Research Center reported last year that 25 percent of U.S. parents are unmarried, which is a significant increase from 50 years ago when 7 percent of U.S. parents were unmarried.
McCracken, who got a divorce six years ago, said it has been difficult to raise her children as a single parent, particularly since she grew up with her parents still married. The experience has been different than she imagined it would be, but she still does the best that she can to provide the same kind of support and attention that she grew up with.
“My parents did the best they could and they always supported us in the things we wanted to do. For me having my parents be together, I never really knew what it was like to be divorced or have a divorced family, going from one house every other weekend,” McCracken said. “My parents… had a loving house and I try to have the same concept here.”
Love at Home
Expectations and environments may be different, but some things about motherhood haven’t changed.
“I think that motherhood has been and always will be very similar because you have that enduring love for your child—the mental development you go through is probably timeless,” Kelley said. “You worry, you love them… and you try to do the best for them in a changing world. My mom always said, ‘You can’t love a child too much; you can’t spoil them with love. Love them and everything else will be fine.